


Ready to See

by romanticalgirl



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-31
Updated: 2014-01-31
Packaged: 2018-01-10 15:44:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1161595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/romanticalgirl/pseuds/romanticalgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Originally posted 9/4/99</p>
    </blockquote>





	Ready to See

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted 9/4/99

"We're all like that. We all have our little internal Iagos that tell us our husbands or our girlfriends or whatever don't really love us. We can never really see what's in someone's heart."

Willow stared at her hands; trying very hard not to think of anything as the teacher continued discussing Othello with the class. But as hard as she tried, she couldn't help but think of Xander. Had that been the reason they'd both given in to the impulse to kiss? Was it something inside them that doubted their relationships and made them start seeing how attractive certain other options were? 

She shook her head, trying to refocus her attention. But it instead stayed with the person sitting one row over and one seat back. Before the fluke, she'd stopped spending so much of her extra mental time thinking about Xander. She'd effectively relegated him to the role of best friend in a way he'd never been before. No crush, just friendship. 

But when the fluke happened, when they'd kissed, everything had changed again. After that first kiss, she'd struggled not to think of him so that she wouldn't feel the overwhelming guilt that overtook her whenever she did. 

But she couldn't stop thinking about the kiss. 

***

Buffy closed her eyes, letting the teacher's words wash over her. She had the power now to know what was in everyone's hearts and their minds. She could do such wonderful things. She could see through all the lies that people told each other and help them toward the truth. 

She couldher thoughts stopped as a warm feeling washed over her. Willow's thoughts flooded her mind and, for a moment, Buffy was swept away by the feel of Xander kissing her. The fear and the trembling, the anticipation and the guilt, the pure beauty and the intrinsic horror, but most of all by the sweet sense of a lifetime of waiting coming to a delicious conclusion. 

She focused on Willow, trying to hone in on her best friend's thoughts. It was like being in a maelstrom of memories as she thought about Xander. Mixed into it though, was an overriding sense of guilt. She was with Oz now and it hurt Willow deep inside to betray him yet again, even if it was only in thought. 

Buffy glanced over her shoulder to see her best friend carefully wipe a tear from the corner of her eye. 

***

Xander was almost paying attention. He hadn't read the play - hadn't read anything for the class all year, if he was honest - but the theme of betrayal hit way too close to home not to pay attention. It seemed like that was all their lives had been this year, a series of one betrayal after another. It would have been nice if they could have just blamed Faith, but the truth was they had all betrayed one another in some way. 

Some of the betrayals just went a little deeper than others. 

He glanced over at Willow, her auburn hair shining in the afternoon sun. Together, they'd betrayed the people they were supposed to love. And then she'd betrayed him by going back to Oz. He was beginning to think that he was destined to spend his life alone. 

A praying she-mantis, a mummy, the unattainable Slayer herself, the poor little rich girl he'd cheated on and his best friend. His yearbook picture was going to be captioned "Xander Harris, he who cannot keep a girl." 

He'd spent the first half of his life trying not to know what Willow was thinking. She wasn't good at deception, so her feelings and thoughts had shone out of her eyes like brilliant stars. Once they'd met Buffy, maybe even before, the stars had faded and he couldn't tell all the time. And it had hurt, but he'd been so busy chasing after Buffy that he hadn't taken the time to notice. 

At least until their light had faded completely. Willow turned slightly, casting a quick smile in his direction as she did so. Her eyes were cloudy to him now. He couldn't see what she was thinking, what she was feeling. 

Although he knew. 

She was thinking about Oz. And their wonderful life together. And probably what they'll do this weekend and how much fun they'll have and what they have to do to get rid of the rest of them so that they can be alone. 

That was the hardest part. Wondering what they did when they were alone. He knew he was no angel. He wasn't even close to being Angel. But he still harbored this irrational hope that she'd wait for him. That she'd still want him when they were ready for each other. 

Sighing, Xander rested his chin in his hand and tried not to stare at Willow. Wondering if she'd ever be ready for him again. 

***

She'd always thought that Xander didn't really think deep thoughts. She'd always thought he was oblivious to all the stuff going on around him, especially where Willow was concerned. How funny that they were both thinking of each other, both sure the other's mind was somewhere else. 

Smiling, she thought about sharing her new power with her friends, letting them see what was in their thoughts and their hearts wasn't so unreachable as they thought. 

"Why do you think that matters? Willow?" 

Willow cleared her throat. "People have secrets. They do things or say things or think things that they don't want other people to hear or know about. There's a lifetime of pain inside someone's head." She shrugged. "There's the dark side, like Buffy said. It's not something that people are proud of. And to know those things, even when they don't seem so bad, isn't always the best thing." 

"Exactly." The teacher sat on the edge of her desk and looked at Xander. "Mr. Harris?" 

He started, looking very much like a deer in headlights. Buffy barely stifled her laugh as the curse ran through his thoughts. "If you knew what someone was thinking about youwell, what if it wasn't what you wanted to hear? Or what if it was? I think that might be just as bad. You could force yourself into a situation where you did something because everyone thought it was what you wanted, even though you might not be ready." He glanced at Willow. "I mean, sometimes things just aren't right, even though your mind thinks they are." 

"Give me an example." 

His voice hit a new octave. "From the play?" 

She laughed. "No, Xander. Real life is okay." 

"Well, supposesuppose you love someone and you're not sure if they love you back. But then suppose that person knew that you loved them. Wouldn't it be harder to deal with that person then? I mean, the thought and emotion are always between you, no matter what you do. And you can either deal with it or pretend it doesn't exist. If you deal with it, people are going to get hurt." 

"You don't think they'd get hurt if you pretend it doesn't exist?" 

"They'll get hurt," he nodded solemnly. "But they might be able to forgive you for it a lot easier than if you forced the situation." 

The bell rang and all the students made a beeline for the door. Buffy walked off a little ways, her mind set on going to Angel's and finding the answers she wanted. She stopped at the door, waiting for Xander and Willow. They both stood at their desks still and Buffy let the class discussion sink into her head. 

Moving quietly out of the room, she closed her eyes and "listened" to her friends. 

"Did you need some help studying tonight?" 

"No thanks. I promised Giles I'd help him out." 

"Okay. Well" 

"Well. I'll see ya." He stepped away, heading for the door. 

"See ya." 

Buffy hid as Willow followed Xander out of the classroom. She wanted to help them. Wanted to do the right thing. 

But suddenly, she was wondering if the two were the same thing. Maybe they'd been right. Maybe, in their own way, they'd been telling each other what was in their thoughts and their hearts. Maybe, sometimes, the truth was there, if you knew how to look for it. 

And if you were ready to see. 

* * *


End file.
